Meet Alan Craig: The "Gaystapo" are ruining his life apparently...

What is this man Alan Craig so ANGRY about? His blog post “Confronting The Gaystapo” is just so embarrassing, especially with that awful photo of himself reclining against the side of a sofa – JESUS CHRIST it’s just awful. To think Andy Warhol died over 20 years ago, Oscar Wilde 100 and this old creep seems to think he’s the voice of convention?

My Dad told me never to trust a man with two first names, and my Mum thinks that Alan Craig’s clashing cushion covers are sickening. That’s right, I’m talking about my Mum and Dad here – because you know what – it so happens that I have a family and despite being gay, I didn’t grow on a tree like most gays, I’m the child of two people. We love each other, we’re a happy family, and we don’t argue anywhere near as much as some of our overtly Christian friends.

Both of my parents go to church (not that I'm proud of that fact), the same Church of England that Alan Craig here has made himself the self-elected spokesperson for. I don’t go to church. I left home to go to Leeds in 2006 and now I live in Hampstead and spend my Sunday mornings cuddling up in bed with a nice boy or watching E4. I lost faith in the church after a vicar wanted to wash me once during Sunday school, also I found the hymns dragged ON and ONNN and when they ditched those nice dusty hymnbooks for some tacky overhead projector – well that was the last straw. Charles Wesley didn't spend entire evenings penning his musical genius by candlelight so that we could stand in front of a wobbly pull-down screen with a little karaoke ball bouncing along the Comic fucking Sans.

I still go to church occasionally but only because I admire the architecture, music and paintings that adorn ecclesiastical buildings, many of which are the results of gay men’s handiwork over the years. And sometimes there are new gay guys in the congregation and we chat over weak lemon squash and stale biscuits at the post-service refreshments and then meet up a few days later to have sex. But generally speaking, the Church of England is a piss-stinking shambles these days. Oh how Christopher Wren would weep if he saw the broken hand-dryers and clumps of urine-soaked tissues on the floor in St. Paul’s. Sorry - I know I'm generalising here, but so is our friend Alan Craig when he compares GAY PEOPLE .... to .... NAZIS. (Incidentally, there were actually a lot of gay senior Nazis, what with Hitler shacking up with men in prison between the wars, but that's another story. Alan Craig here isn't talking about Ernst Rohm and the Pink Swastika, no, he's just being a tool).

Alan Craig is three times my age and he writes like a village idiot. His opening paragraph contains a machine-gun-like firing line of random hyperlinks, all labelled as “HERE”, “HERE”, “HERE” (he does know you can drag a hyperlink across text right ?) He comes across like some kind of frothing-at-the-mouth lunatic in an episode of Midsomer Murders.

On his deliberately belligerent and inexcusably horrid and insensitive comparison between gay rights activists and Hitler’s expansionist foreign policy, I will say only this:

The defeat of Hitler was a colossal worldwide collaborative effort. Amongst the millions who fought and died fighting against his dictatorship there were thousands of gay men, gay men who were fighting and dying for the freedom of a country that at that time didn’t even acknowledge who they were. Alan Craig’s pathetic blog post is an insult to the stolen young lives of those men. There might have been millions of other deaths too if it wasn’t for the brilliant mind of one man – Alan Turing – a homosexual who cracked the Nazis’ code, and how was he thanked? By being chemically castrated and driven into suicide.

Alan Craig praises Winston Churchill in his blogpost, holding him up as an emblem of individual thought and resistance. Of course some of Winston Churchill’s closest friends were gay, and his pal Robin Maugham (the far-too-often overlooked nephew of a less-good closet-gay playwright Somerset Maugham) even writes in his fantastic autobiography Escape The Shadows of secret meetings in which Churchill consulted homosexual friends and relations. Incidentally Robin Maugham once wrote a fantastic allegorical novel called The Sign which illustrated how “Jesus” was a political PR ploy masterminded by two gay men. Anyway, it was banned of course and now we’ve got Mel Gibson. It's a shame though as the gay Jesus sex scene is quite beautifully written. Long live Somerset and all the Maughams.

I'm trying to show you how laughably simplistic Alan Craig's blog post is. British politics, British religon, both are ram-jammed with gay contributors past and present. As much as he hates it, Alan Craig's career and entire life is nothing but a brief guest slot slid into a middling bookshelf of a gigantic gay library. If Alan Craig really believed that the gay community were like Nazis then he wouldn't publish his tacky blog post, because he'd have a knock on the door at 3 o'clock in the morning. He has written it in the safe knowledge that nobody in the gay community is going to hurt him, and ooh - he might get some traffic to his shit website - and ooh ooh ooh - win the support of some local bigoted coffin dodgers.

Meanwhile, I don’t think many seniors in the Church of England will admire Alan Craig’s lowly article, because his church is actually defined by progression and change. The Church of England is a pick-n-mix church built on populism and inability. Looking at the photo of Alan Craig’s blonde wife and daughter that he has chosen to publish on his website (a glowing portrait of his heteronormative credentials no doubt), I would hazard a guess that he has been married before and divorced, I may be wrong, but if he has then that is an example of how he himself has benefited from the Church of England’s ever-changing ways.

Like the gifted comedian Glenn Wool says – “Why do some religious people insist on making everything into a polar argument? Like you have to choose between liking gay people or liking religious people? It’s a bad line to take because we all know who we’d rather have at our dinner party – our gay friends – because the religious – well – let’s be honest, they’re FUCKING BORING”

It interests me that oddballs like Alan Craig are so keen to open up an argument between the church and the gay community. Why DOES he dislike gays so much? Is it really because of the stories in that old book of his, the Bible, that in his heart he knows is mainly all bollocks? It's strange to think how this book from the Middle East written 2,000 years ago plays such a big part in his life spent within the lonely walls of Newham Borough Council. Or is it because he doesn't like the idea of young gay people having confidence and leading their own lives?

Alan Craig has to accept the fact that gay people exist, they always have and they always will. It's sexuality. It's impermeable. Which is why it's so bizarre having a society that still persecutes people on account of their sexuality. Whereas religions, despite their many attributes, are undeniably invented in their entirety, and they come and go like gadgets. Venus anyone? Thor?

Personally I like the idea of gay teenagers being themselves, meeting others like themselves, and writing their own lives. It seems the church want something different – they’d rather a world of hush-hush, shame, suppression, darkness and dependence.

I’ll leave you on this video that writer Graham Lineham shared on his blog a little while ago:


  1. Churchill went to Harrow


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