Innocent Smoothie Gay Soap Operas

The Big Knit is back on!

That's right - Innocent Smoothies are back in Sainsbury's and Boots outlets wearing their adorable tiny knitted hats. 25p from each bottle goes straight to Age UK who give hot meals, blankets and company to the neglected and elderly folks in our atomicised community.

I bought three just now, selecting ones with hats that spoke to me. I really wouldn't want to inflict the rest of this blog post on anybody. it's literally me rambling for therapy on my lunch break. So please do stop reading now. The basic message of this blog post is "LOOK!" "INNOCENT SMOOTHIES!" "CHARITY!" "CUTE KNITTED HATS!" "GET SOME!" - But if you insist on reading more:

Here is a story based around the characters in the picture above:

I've named the mangoes and passion fruits smoothie Faye, inspired by Faye Dunaway as Milady de Winter in The Three Muskateers in which she thrusts her bosoms before a young Michael York. Faye lives in a quiet English village, and she spends her time sitting by the river painting in watercolours and playing pooh sticks, guarding her secret. However, this afternoon she will not be alone...

I've called the kiwis, apples and limes smoothie Michael. He is an attractive English Literature enthusiast who lives with his parents in the village rectory. Michael goes for long introspective walks along snowy river banks, pondering over a recent realisation that is very dear to him, knowledge of a natural and powerful order that remains a secret to his parents...

I've named the pomegranates, blueberries and acai smoothie Jamie. He collects football stickers and lives in the same village as Michael. He often sees Michael plodding off down the road in his wellies during the Christmas holidays as he embarks on one of his wintery walks. Today Jamie is going to come to terms with his feelings for Michael, so he pops on his orange knitted hat that his nan knitted for him and follows Michael into the woods...

I shan't reveal how the story progresses. You'll have to imagine the rest in your head. But I'll tell you this much... it ends with Faye Dunaway cooking up a hearty breakfast whilst Michael and Jamie wake up to the smell of bacon on her pull-out sofa bed. And although the boys have come a long way together in one night, are they ready to learn Faye's secret?

Now go and buy some Innocent smoothies and think-up your own cosy gay soap opera pilot.

This is possibly the worst blog post I've ever written on Jack of Hearts. I just caught up in a fluster over how adorable the little knitted hats are. And I like to imagine teenage boys courting each other in their Christmas holidays.

Whilst reading the blog post did you scroll up to remind yourself what Michael looked like? Ok phew, you're as insane as me.

You can find out more about Innocent smoothies and The Big Knit on their Facebook page here:


  1. Dear Jack,

    My name is Vaughan Jacobs and I am a producer for Luckwood films. Your post here has touched me, and I've decided: let's make this happen! I think for a story this good Faye (she's a personal friend) could be coaxed out of retirement. Michael is a great opportunity to build the profile of some talented unknown, while Jamie just screams 'Taylor Lautner' to me.

    My people will be in touch with your people. Let's make this happen!

  2. Shirley thinks the product placement drive has gone too far. What happend to the good old days of Marlboro lights and Addison Lee?

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