Last night I dreamt I went to Wapping again...
The days are counting down, surely, until work begins on the movie of Rebekah Brooks’ life. The gripping story of a foxy red-haired damsel from Daresbury who did a brief stint in a Bourbon factory before climbing the rocky ranks of the British media, from writing the odd piece about a garden fete for the Warrington Guardian to becoming editor of The Sun, Chief Executive of News International, and a niche sex icon. Then came the sensational downfall as it emerged in the leftwing press just how good at selling newspapers she really was. In June 2011 her Wikipedia page was getting about one hundred visitors a day, by mid-July her page was enjoying over one hundred thousand. How will she respond to this surge of attention, notoriety and fame? Do a Cheryl and go blond? Have a sex change and release a pop album, perhaps under the stage name Dana News International? Or will she fall in love with an expenses scandal politician in prison?
There lies a Blockbuster, ‘Rebekah’, coming to a rip-off VUE near you...
But who would be best suited to play this ruthless phone-tapping siren of raw talent?
ONE: Nicole Kidman
Red-carpet resident Nicole Kidman comes from the same part of the world as Rupert Murdoch, the man who invented Rebekah Brooks. Nicole has plenty of experience in playing strong onscreen heroines with a splash of villainy and with pearly but not-quite teary eyes. It is an unknown fact that often Rebekah Brooks would burst out of her Sun office, wielding a bottle of gin, reeking of Chanel and yell in a dodgy French accent “I LOVE TO DAAAANCE!”
TWO: Tracy-Ann Oberman
Tracy-Ann rose to fame with her role as the hairdresser-turned-pub-landlady-turned-killer Chrissie in EastEnders and she was born just a few days before Rebekah Brooks. When Tracy turned 21, Jason Donovan was in the Number 1 slot with ‘Too Many Broken Hearts’, when Rebekah Turned 21, Kylie was in the Number 1 slot with ‘Hand On Your Heart’. A coincidence? Unlikely.
THREE: Julianne Moore
If they’re a gay icon and they’ve got red hair, traditionally the part should go to dear Julianne. But is Rebekah Brooks a gay icon?
FOUR: Nicola Roberts
Nicola Roberts is currently enjoying limited success going solo with her less than three minute long single ‘Beat Of My Drum’. Could the lead role in Rebekah be her next career step into a post Girls Aloud world?
FIVE: Jenny McAlpine
Jenny plays the much-loved crazy chick Fizz on Corrie, but she’s made other notable appearances on TV, like in Vernon Kay’s All Stars Family Fortunes. Could she take her lovely bubbly acting talents and focus them on depicting the dark knife-edge of British media?
We’ve all known Cher is a competent actress since The Witches of Eastwick, no doubt she’d scrub up brilliantly in The Witches of Fleet Street. She’s still acting too, appearing alongside Christina Aguilera last year in Burlesque. One wonders if Cher’s hit Turn Back Time is on Rebekah’s current iPod playlist. News International have given the singer’s plastic surgery a lot of column inches, could this be her chance to get one back at them by playing Rebekah Brooks in a lace corset across the back of a car seat in Warrington circa 1986?
SEVEN: Rupert Grint
Now that the Harry Potter franchise has finally ended one would assume Rupert is looking for a new ginger role on the big screen. Jude Law, Guy Pierce and Eddie Murphy have all cashed-in with a splash of onscreen drag. It might be time for Rupert to start growing those auburn locks?
EIGHT: Sigourney Weaver
A good candidate, the casting director of Rebekah would be a fool not to drop Sigourney a message on Facebook. Her steely gaze would be perfect for playing the face that launched a thousand police enquiries.
NINE: Susan Sarandon
Again, another strong actress who knows how to mix sauciness and sincerity whilst seeming like a victim and a villain at the same time. Thelma & Louise is an all-time classic, could Rebekah & Rupert be her next?
TEN: Charlie Dimmock
Surely there are comparisons to be drawn between media and horticulture. Constantly digging, turning shit over, planting seeds and all the time looking for a new scoop of dirt. It’s about time Dimmock took off her gardening gloves and did something with her life, perhaps Rebekah is her calling?