Can You Name The Nine Sisters of Liz Taylor’s Secret Circle ‘The Brunilati’ ?


I've been reading conspiracy theories on the net and became inspired to try my hand at my own. So without further ado...

Introducing Part 1 in this one part series on Jack of Hearts called Conspiracy Theory Thursdays in which this blog invents, exaggerates and then exposes a ground-breaking, earth-shattering conspiracy:

Liz Taylor and the Brunilati !!!*

Forget scientology, forget lizards, forget the Freemasons, forget Orange Wednesdays, this is the hottest conspiracy theory of 2011: The Brunilati

Taylor started the Brunilati with her 1967 prototype “Carla Bruni” (from where the Brunilati take their name) during the middle of her fifth marriage to Richard Burton (from whose name an anagram of ‘Bruni Roth Card’ can also be drawn). It was on the set of her 1967 movie The Taming of The Shrew that Taylor took some of Shakespeare’s societal commentary regarding the social sculpting of women and decided to apply these lessons to real life by anatomically sculpting women with the help of nine plastic surgeons that she just happened to have written down in her pocket phonebook.

The result was a secret circle of powerful and attractive brunettes, who together would slowly but surely take over the world. Some would be singers, others would act, the slightly duff creations would TV present and a select elitist few would go on to marry the most powerful men in the world.

The results of the Brunilati birthing program were as follows:

Brunilati 1: “Sophie Marceau” (1966)
Brunilati 2: “Carla Bruni” (1967)
Brunilati 3: “Liz Hurley” (1968)
Brunilati 4: “Samantha Cameron” (1971)
Brunilati 5: “Claudia Winkleman” (1972)
Brunilati 6: “Martine McCutcheon” (1976)
Brunilati 7: “Zooey Deschanel” (1980)
Brunilati 8: “Kate Middleton” (1982)
Brunilati 9: “Marina Diamindis” (1985)

Artificially harvested in a laboratory in the Hampstead basement of Elizabeth Taylor’s birth place, their bodies are a genetic mish-mash of what is called AC and CC, meaning a mixture of presenter-slash-model-slash-DJ-slash-handbag Alexa Chung (AC) and singer-slash-presenter-slash-human-snow-dome Charlotte Church (CC). Some members of the Brunilati turn out with a stronger AC side, e.g. "Samantha Cameron" making them slightly hard-shouldered sulkers with razor-sharp cheek bones, whilst others have a dominant CC strand, making them more curvaceous and giggly, e.g. "Kate Middleton".

Some critics of the Brunilati conspiracy theory have pointed out that neither Alexa Chung nor Charlotte Church existed during the 1960s when Taylor commenced her experimental project, but these critics forget that Taylor had access to Michael Jackson’s time machine which was originally used on men hired out of magazines to transport them back into their childhoods upon arrival at Jackson’s house.

Named Liz after Taylor herself, work on “Liz Hurley” commenced in 1965, making her technically the first member of the Brunilati, but Hurley wasn’t launched for another three years due to repeat technical difficulties relating to a fault in her acting ability, and so 1967's creation Brunilati 2 "Carla Bruni" became the first official ambassador of Taylor's sick agenda. Bruni's mission? To seduce the President of France. The sexual homing device that Bruni was installed with went horrifically wrong, meaning that instead of targeting the love of the President of France she instead won his heart via the pants of every other man in the country, a rather unpleasant scenic tour, but she got there in the end and Brunilati 2 "Carla Bruni" is Taylor's second most successful creation after Brunilati 8.

Taylor mainly used Hurley as a robot spy, making her Godmother to the Beckham’s children and handing her invites to palace parties. She was meant to marry David Cameron but mistook Hugh Grant for him, making it a disastrous mission that had to be put right by the creation of Brunilati 4 “Samantha Cameron”. Although Hugh Grant proved to be a useful tool in the Brunilati agenda, and work with him was later re-continued by Brunilati 6 “Martine McCutcheon” in 2006 on the set of Love Actually (which contains an anagram of L. Taylor if you pronounce it with the R as in Love Arctually).

Hurley’s part in Austin Powers as a ‘fembot’ was seen by Taylor as a coded form of self-expression, and she was punished accordingly. Hurley has now been emptied of her batteries and is in retirement, rusting in a disused cricket pavilion near Melbourne.

Brunilati 7 “Zooey Deschanel” was designed to become an indie electro-pop singer when Taylor realised she had little influence in this field. However, poor Deschanel couldn’t sing and so Brunilati 9 was later created “Marina Diamindis”. Taylor decided to make Deschanel an actress instead. Her first name Zooey is a clue to the fact that she was bred in captivity, whilst “Des Chanel” is a nod towards Taylor’s closeted obsession with France.

Originally it was intended that Brunilati 9 “Marina Diamindis” would marry Prince Harry in a similar vein to her predecessor Brunilati 8 “Kate Middleton”, currently Taylor’s most successful Brunilatibot. But Marina, mimicked Harry too closely, failing her A-Levels, but couldn’t find a way to forge her grades and so she was condemned to attend Middlesex University where Taylor had little use for her and so turned her into a band called Marina & The Diamonds, making her the first member of the Brunilati to have her name split into a compound. Her debut EP ‘The Crown Jewels’ is a reference to Marina’s former failed mission. Her name, Marina, is a clue that she is not a human but in fact an underwater waxwork puppet. Perhaps the greatest giveaway that Marina is a member of the Brunilati is the title of her bestselling single I Am Not A Robot - an unconvincing red herring.
Following 1985 Taylor ceased production on her Brunilati line, giving her girls the nickname “The Nine Sisters”. Today they rule supreme, and their success means that through them Elizabeth Taylor is married to and can thereby influence some of the world’s most powerful men, including the prime minister of England David Cameron, the president of France Nicholas Sarkozy, the future king of the British Empire Prince William, and Ben Gibbard – the lead vocalist of Deathcab For Cutie.

*That's the only time you will find three exclamation marks in a row on The Jack of Hearts. I was getting into the spirit of conspiracy theorists!

No comments:

Post a Comment