Is my Gay Boyfriend STRAIGHT?


Is there a bitch in the middle of your otherwise perfect life? How to tell if your boyfriend is harbouring a secret lust for the fairer sex.

(This is a response to 'Is My Husband GAY?' on the bizarre website ChristWire.Org Please take a look at this article before reading this post)

Right now in North London there are over three and a half gay couples secretly struggling with heterosexuality in their marriages. Are you one of them Toby? What about you Shane? Are you having intimacy issues? Are you suspicious about your boyfriend’s late night activities? Don’t tell yourself that you’re simply being paranoid without taking a closer look...

Heterosexuality can pop up at any time during a long-term relationship. Your boyfriend may have been experimenting with the “straight” lifestyle even before you met. Sometimes it’s the nervous family who has rushed a young man into being gay out of a fear that his secret attraction to women will ruin his chances of wealth or happiness. For others, heterosexuality can appear later in life when men crave a break from the success of their careers or have been waiting too long for a new Madonna album to extend the daydream that is their life. Crystal meth and other narcotics are also proven to help gay men forget their fears and to drive people into the despairing arms of women.
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Drawing on the expertise of generalisation, social stereotyping, uninformed opinion, medieval scientific belief and unhelpful bollocks, The Jack of Hearts has put together a list of 15 commonly-accepted characteristics of men struggling with heterosexuality within their relationships:

1) Secretive late night use of cellphones and computers
Porn addiction is closely associated with, in fact bound to, male heterosexuality. Be on the lookout for a boyfriend who doesn’t let you check his iPhone. You may think GrindR and Gaydar are his only apps, but he could be harbouring dangerous sites like Friends Reunited and Match.Com, chatting to girls he once starred alongside in school musicals. For the sake of trust, a couple should share everything, including email accounts, STIs, website histories, Topman store cards and starter platters for two in Nandos.

2) Looks at other women in a flirtatious way
When you’re out in public, does he stare unashamedly at women’s breasts? Does he grant himself the right to objectify any female? When out shopping in Selfridges, has he ever erratically yelled “Oi lav, show us yer tits!” at unsuspecting girls? Does he whistle at women on the street when waiting at a set of traffic lights? Is he like, totally sexist?

3) Feigning attention in gay clubs and bars
Have you noticed a lack of interest in new songs by The Saturdays? Does it ever seem as if he’s just using G-A-Y as an excuse to spend time around your fag hags? Do you sometimes see him looking at Katie Melua on the front of Boyz magazine with a malicious and lustful glint?

4) Not giving a shit about his appearance
Gay men have their taste dictated to them by vast commercial organisations in accordance to how much they earn. Other gay men strive to look like chavs. They smell exactly as they’re told to by cosmetic labels and their skin always matches that of Tina Turner. If your boyfriend is wearing more than two Fred Perry items in one outfit then you may have a hetero on your hands. Does he use Lynx deodorant? Lynx has been scientifically proven to repel women so that men are left alone and single, wanking into an empty kebab box with a laptop on one knee, well into their forties – a common trait in heterosexual men. Does your boyfriend use L’Oreal Perfect Blonde Maximum Crème? If so – he may have first developed a liking for it in his illicit girlfriend’s shower. Ask him if he's heard of the word 'Lambretta' - it's something to do with straight men.

5) Watches football on a Saturday despite being physically unfit and shit at sport.
Straight men use sport as an excuse to socially exclude women and to have secret liaisons in pubs. They like to read statistics and opinion pieces in cheaply produced newspapers without the hassle of ever playing the sport itself. Afterwards, they use public areas and the plastic seating areas in Chinese take-aways to engage in aggressive activity beyond the prying black eyes of their women. If your boyfriend returns from a shopping trip in Manchester too exhausted to talk about what he bought and without a manicure then that is a worrisome sign.

6) Strange sexual demands
Fetishism is a sign that a man is seeking a harder thrill beyond the normal intimacy of homosexual relations. The man may not appeal to the deep desires that are coming to the surface as the marriage drags on. If there is a sudden interest in wigs, fake breasts, school skirts or playing with make-up then this is clearly an indication of deep emotional abnormalities. It is a scientifically proven fact that drag queens are gay men satisfying their vaginal lusting in a sartorial way. All of the drag queens in the Bible confessed that they were heterosexual seconds before being stoned to death and burning in hell forever anyway, so be careful.

7) More interested in the more effeminate men in all-male gay pornographic films
In the original article "Is my husband GAY?" Stephenson Billings advises worried Christian wives who like to watch porn with their husbands to try and see if his eyes are more on the man or the woman in the movie. He then tells wives to decipher whether their husbands are deliberately picking adult movies with specific male porn actors. Just too ridiculous, perverse and stupid to even parody. But if your boyfriend enjoys effeminate male porn actors with longish blond hair, who like to be ridden about like a pony and then receive facials from a group of macho men, watch out - your boyfriend is definitely straight and would rather be watching a woman have sex. (Give me strength...)

8) Travels frequently to remote areas like Wymondham in Leicestershire?
Some boyfriends will spend a great deal of money travelling far from home to hide their deplorable opposite-sex actions. Small villages offer indulgence of every kind. From post offices and bus shelters to WI meetings and homemade jam stalls, a gay man seeking encounters with desperate sex-parched women can find them easily if he’s so inclined. Is there ever really a good excuse for a husband to visit Cromer without his boyfriend? He's a crustacean-loving woman eater.

10) Too many friendly young female friends
Someone who makes an extra effort to surround themselves with women should raise concerns in any community. It is biologically proven that gay men cannot get on socially with women, and so any female friends that your boyfriend has are likely to be secret sexual partners. Do they touch each other or embrace in long hugs? Does your boyfriend go to Starbucks on his lunch break to chat to a female friend about her new bathroom and recent divorce? He wants her SEX.

11) A racist and predictable sense of humour
A man who is secretly engaged in heterosexual activity with others may exhibit laddish behaviour when they get together in a group. In a sense, he has “tied his hair up” and this will be seen in his racist views and minimal hand gestures. Heterosexual men enjoy making other races feel lower than themselves, sometimes heterosexual men can be so racist that they reject their own race, changing the colour of their skin, like Michael Jackson and Cliff Richard.

12) Love of wrong pop culture
It’s quite common for gay men to enjoy the science fiction end of popular culture, but when your boyfriend becomes overly obsessed with romantic fiction, that is cause for alarm. Holding his hand inside his pants whilst watching Anakin Skywalker fight with a light sabre is a normal homosexual activity, but if he starts wanting to watch Love Actually or Step Mom – beware, your boyfriend is probably straight. Colin Firth is a heterosexual icon after all, and Susan Sarandon is a 90s siren for straight sex.

13) Introverted about his bare chest in public
Does he put his shirt back on at picnics and longingly savour his prawn sandwich when you and the other gay men are scoffing on Scotch eggs and having group sex on a wooden bench? Does he wear long baggy shapeless shorts at the beach? Does it seem like he’s purposely standing right on the edge of a crowd, talking on the phone to his Dad about finances instead of asking his Mum what happened on Corrie? He may be detesting physical affirmation from other men and desperately looking for hints of shared awkwardness in those around him.

14) Sudden heavy drinking
Sometimes people dealing with an unbearable emotional issue like heterosexuality will turn to alcohol to hide their distress. Does your man disappear on drinking binges for long hours without answering his cellphone? Is there a strange odour about him when he returns, some strange mix of beer and peanuts? Does he snore, fart and burp frequently? All three of these things just scream H-E-T - get out before he beats you with a baseball bat.

15) Gentlemen, have you dated men in the past who turned out to be straight?
This is an important question to ask yourself when your marriage starts to have problems. Statistics have shown that gay men who have encountered straight men romantically in the past are the most likely to repeat this (incredibly arousing and heavenly) mistake in future relationships. If you answered yes, you should ask yourself whether you’re honestly looking for a boyfriend (someone who is willing to be your leather-bound sex slave in the bedroom but who also loves the work of Mariah Carey), or just a closet heterosexual (who will be good at unblocking the toilet when you’ve flushed down too many wipes, but will never admire Frankie from The Saturdays in the innocent way that you do).
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Is raising the teenagers from hell more important than sharing teenagers after Heaven? Ultimately, it’s a question of bending your priorities.
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BY REQUEST(!): A vocab guide for Americans reading this post:
G-A-Y: A popular gay bar in London's Soho district
Cromer: A small seaside town in Norfolk, famous for crab meat, and a popular holiday destination in the Victorian era
Cliff Richard: A heterosexual singer, famous for his textbook heterosexual appearance in the song Wired For Sound. A role model to all straight men.
Scotch eggs: An egg covered in porky fat and bread crumbs.
Colin Firth: An actor who has taken on several gay parts in recent years.
The Saturdays: An English girl group who perform watered-down 80s-inspired electro pop
Heaven: A large gay club in London

11 comments:

  1. Is there ever really a good excuse for a husband to visit Thailand or San Francisco without his wife?

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  2. Awesome, I love it (with big hand gestures).

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  3. awesome post! I read the original billings pseudo-article and have been laughing about it all day-great job!

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  4. You do realize that Christwire is a satire site, right?

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  5. However, your article is surprisingly topical! (The article's author, Stephenson Billings, complimented you in a comment on his private FB page, by the way.)

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  6. @Matt Haha. That's one of my favourite lines from the original
    @Tim Thanks!

    @Anonymous 4 and 5 - I didn't realise ChristWire was a satire site and I'm still yet to realise this. You're friends with Stephenson Billings on Facebook?

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  7. Lol it's definitely a satire

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  8. awesome post!!

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  9. nice... i had fun reading this...but can i ask? jack are you a gay?

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